are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I enjoy the company of your penis
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