I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
