Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He felt like a one man threesome
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
