I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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