Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
