just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize