Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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