Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
