I will die if light touches me.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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