Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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