I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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