Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
