I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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