The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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