dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
