sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
