Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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