It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
