I am in a vortex of obligation.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
