I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
