Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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