so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
did you just send me my own nude
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
