did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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