i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
