I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
