Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize