Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
