whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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