I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
