The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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