im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
