god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I need moral support for this bender
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
