Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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