I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
