dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
