I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
