I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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