I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
