I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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