1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
