Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
