so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
