he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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