It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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