Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
