I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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