Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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