my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
4 words: hood of his car
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
These tits shall not be calmed
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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