Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
