just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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