Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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