I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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