someone get that fucking seahorse.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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