You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
