i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
