Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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