So drunk its hurt
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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