I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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