Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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