Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
