Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
